Understanding and Accepting My Mind

The other day somebody on TV was talking about her mental health and how she has learned to own how she feels and accept the bad days. This got me thinking about my mental health and how in January this year I thought that my PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder) had been cured forever. It hadn’t. Two months later lockdown happened and my PTSD was back. I have realised now that it is something that will be with me at some level for the rest of my life. I will probably go through periods of time where it doesn’t effect me at all, then others where it effects me a lot. But it will always be there, lurking in the background. Some people told me that PTSD never really goes and I wasn’t sure whether to believe them or not. At the time I needed to hope and believe that it would go one day. There was no point in me going into therapy with the belief that it wouldn’t work.

Over the last few months the Coronavirus pandemic has triggered a lot of anxiety and feelings that are associated with the trauma that I faced quite a few years ago. Over the time of the pandemic I have started to learn more about how my PTSD effects me. I have found myself falling into a bit of a routine with it.

When it strikes I have two or three truly awful days. On these days I feel very stressed, overwhelmed, depressed and very easily upset. After this I have a day or two where I feel emotionally and physically drained. I then wake up the next day feeling on top of the world and so grateful to be feeling better. I never know when the awful days are going to start, so I can’t exactly plan around them. However I do know now what to expect when they do happen. These days make me feel completely hopeless and I find it hard to see the good in anything. The slightest little thing will upset me and I feel so overwhelmed with stress. I have realised now that on these bad days, nothing is going to cheer me up. I might find something funny, but a few minutes later the feeling of hopelessness takes over again. I think every emotion that ever existed gets released on these bad days, which leads me to the days where I feel drained.

On these days I feel a lot more relaxed, but I don’t really feel much of anything. It’s like all of my feelings have been released and there is nothing left. There is no crying left to do and everything is calm. I still don’t feel good, but it’s an improvement from the days before. On these days I also have very little energy. I don’t have the energy to think or do anything. I feel exhausted and like I just need to rest. I usually have one day of feeling like this. The next day I will wake up feeling like this, but I start to feel better gradually throughout the day. The day after this I wake up feeling brilliant and full of energy.

Going back to what I saw on TV about accepting the bad days. I think I have started to do that. Instead of trying to cheer myself up, which I know now is pointless, I am just starting to accept it as a rubbish day. I know that I’m not going to feel any better for a few days. So instead of trying to fight it, maybe I should just go along with it. Accept that these days happen and learn to live with it. I have very supportive friends and family, so I can get through these tough days. My poor boyfriend has had a lot to handle with me recently, but he’s been so amazing, everyone has. But having these tough days is OK, because in a few days everything will be good. So if anybody is worrying about me during these tough days, I will be OK. There’s no need to worry, just keep talking to me and being your lovely patient selves. 🙂

xx ❤ xx

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