Over the past few months video calls seem to have taken over just about everything. Calling friends, work meetings, TV shows, hospital appointments, they are all being done over a video call. It seems to be the safest way to see other people. We haven’t been able to meet in person because of Covid-19, so this seems to be the next best thing. I have always loved the idea of video calls, but the thought of doing them myself made me really nervous. I’m okay on the phone, but I could not seem to talk myself round to giving video calls a try. I felt bad actually because a few people suggested us doing it from time to time. I just couldn’t seem to persuade myself. It was something about them being able to see me, which is silly because when we meet in person they can see me. So why is this any different? I suppose part of it was a convenience thing. My computer is in a busy room of the house. Not the most ideal place for peace and quiet. I wasn’t really keen on the idea of using my phone to do it either because it would mean me having to hold my phone in the right place for ages. I’m not the best at doing that.

A few weeks ago I bough myself a laptop which made me feel a lot better about doing video calls. This was one reason why I decided to buy it. This social distancing isn’t ending any time soon and I need to see my friends. I can’t see my friends in person and keep distanced because I need their help to guide me. Meeting them hasn’t really been an option yet. So having a laptop made me feel a lot better about doing them. I could go and sit in my room, in private and talk to my friends. I was still really nervous, but maybe it would do me good? One day I started playing around on the website and getting as far as I could without actually inviting anybody. I got as far as sending an email invitation which I didn’t send. The last thing I wanted was to go into a video call and not know how anything works. That would have made me even more nervous and embarrassed.

When I felt comfortable with everything I suggested doing a call with my boyfriend the next day, we were both really looking forward to it. I wasn’t sure though if it was going to be nice seeing him, or if seeing him was going to remind me what i was missing and make me feel even worse. It could have gone either way. I really didn’t want to make myself feel even more miserable, but there must be something good about it, everybody is doing it. Just before we did the call I went so nervous. It was good nervous though, exciting nervous.

Doing the call felt very strange, I wasn’t used to talking to a laptop screen and having to be careful of how I looked because I was on camera. It was all very different. It was almost like there had become two versions of my boyfriend. This is nothing to do with anything he said or did, it is just how circumstances have changed things. One version of him was the one I used to see in person before lockdown. The other version was the one I phoned every night during lockdown. As time has gone on, the two versions of him have been getting harder to link together. It isn’t like he is two separate people, just two different ways of living and communicating. Doing the video calls brought the two versions of him together, the one I see and the one I phone. It reminded me that the lovely boyfriend I used to see in person, is the same person that I had been phoning. It reminded me that he still really exists. This may all sound very odd but it is just how my mind had been dealing with everything. Seeing him again, even though it was like this made me so emotional. I managed to keep it together until the end of the call, but then it all came out. It was so amazing to see him again. Obviously we would rather meet in person, but it is definitely the next best thing.

I have been doing video calls with my boyfriend more or less every night since. It is fair to say that modern technology isn’t always on our side. Some nights he sounds under water and others he sounds like a robot. Some nights he sounds like a frog but that’s nothing to do with technology haha. I have had a few issues with my new wireless headphones, these are my first ones so I don’t really know what I am doing! 😀 One time I was using them when they were not connected and wondering why I couldn’t hear what he was saying. I kept turning the volume up, it was on seventy five in the end. It took me ages to realise that the sound was coming from the laptop and not my headphones. I took them off and asked him to say something and I heard him really clearly! Then another time he was having trouble hearing me, he phoned me up to tell me and I tried to answer my phone while I was still wearing the headphones that were connected to the laptop. I put the phone to my ear and thought hang on, this isn’t right! He saw me doing it and thought it was hilarious! So do I to be fair haha. Not one of my smartest moments. 😀

I think in general doing video calls has helped me. Some nights they do make me miss him more than what a phone call would. Other nights it is so funny seeing him laugh rather than just hearing it. I think it has made us feel closer again, and every morning I can’t wait until our next call that night. I do really wish that I had started doing the video calls a lot earlier in the lockdown. Maybe I wouldn’t have struggled quite as much as I did. They don’t stop all of the rubbish that is going on in the world, but they are something exciting to look forward to. If you are somebody who is not keen on the idea, but is feeling rather lonely at the moment, I really would recommend it. The real world is still out there and it does still exist. It’s just some of it, for now we have to see through a screen.

xx ❤ xx