Some days I just need to write. I don’t always know what about, I don’t always care, I just need to write. Today is one of those days. I don’t really know where this post is going, I’m just making it up as I go along. It might make sense, or it might be just a load of random nonsense. Either way, I guess we’ll find out together.
I’m feeling a bit miserable today. I shouldn’t be, but I just am. Actually that sentence has got me thinking about what my therapist used to tell me. A friend has said it recently too. They both said that feelings are feelings, we feel what we feel. The feelings aren’t always helpful, but there’s no shame in feeling how we feel. There’s no right or wrong way of feeling. We just sometimes have to make room for the feelings, let them be there and try to understand them. What I meant by “shouldn’t” is that it was my birthday yesterday. I got some really lovely presents, cards, messages, money and even money on my fundraiser which I really wasn’t expecting. So why am I feeling miserable today? Part of me feels like I’m being subconsciously ungrateful. Part of me thinks no I’m not, stop beating yourself up! Everybody tried their best to make me feel loved, and I do, and that’s what counts.
For ages I have been wanting to go out for the day on my birthday. I tend to do the same things, just hang around the house until it’s time to go out for my birthday meal. Or sometimes I spend the day in town. So this year I wanted to get out of Sheffield and make a day of it. But you know those days where nothing goes to plan? Well it was one of those days. It was just one thing after another all day. We decided to go to Hull. We went to The Deep last year which is a big sea life, aquarium type place. We saw some of Hull that day, but didn’t have time to do much. So we said that we would go back another day and have a proper look around. For my birthday I wanted to go somewhere that I haven’t been to a million times before, so we went there. And as I said it was just one of those days where nothing went to plan and it was nobody’s fault. It was just circumstances. While we were in the car we were listening to the radio and traffic reports kept coming on. There seemed to be so many car accidents yesterday. I know radio repeats itself a lot, but these were all different accidents in different places. We heard that people travelling were stuck in traffic for SIX HOURS! It doesn’t surprise me though. I was involved in a car accident a few years ago and we were stood at the side of the road for four hours, while the police investigated and the break down man came. So these things do take a long time. I just feel really lucky that this time it wasn’t us, and I feel really sorry for the people who were involved. Yesterday just seemed absolutely bonkers on the roads. Then we heard something about a plane incident! Eventually we did get to Hull and we did have a good time, even though things kept going wrong. At least it wasn’t going as wrong as it was for all of those other people.
Luckily when it comes to birthdays I always have a back up plan. Birthday Number 2!!! I had four the last few years somehow haha! But I always end up stressing and not being able to decide what to do or where to go. So this year I decided to scale it down a bit and just have the two! What can I say, I make the most of my birthday! So birthday number two consists of some of the best friends in the whole world and for the first time ever, my boyfriend! ❤ On my back up birthday last year I was starting to realise that I wasn’t feeling myself. I was feeling very over sensitive about something that doesn’t usually bother me. I remember everyone was talking about different alcoholic drinks and what they all tasted like. My friends don’t do this very often and I do feel that I over reacted about it. I didn’t understand why all of a sudden it was bothering me. It wasn’t making me want a drink, so why was I so bothered by it? Well it turns out that it was the start of my PTSD symptoms. One of the things that I struggled with the most was finding some situations completely overwhelming. A huge surge of overwhelming stress and anxiety used to take over me. This was one of those situations and there were many more after that, with various people. It was nothing personal about my friends. Not exactly the best day to realise that I may have mental health issues. Perfect timing as always. In general I did really enjoy that evening, it was just certain parts of it that got a bit to much. And that was nobody’s fault. It was me that was reacting differently.
So this year… we’ll try again. WITH NO DRAMAS!!! 😀
xx ❤ xx