Coronavirus Diary – Page 17 (Heading towards the finish line, I hope)

Well… I DESPERATELY don’t want to jinx this, but things are starting to look quite positive around here in England. Definitely a lot more positive than things have been before. The vaccines are working their magic and the number of cases are falling. I heard on the news today that things are looking hopeful for ending social distancing on the 21st June. If this does happen, then it’s ONLY NEXT MONTH!!! WOW!

As we have come out of our third lockdown and things have started to look more positive, I have been really confused about what to think. This time last year, whenever a review date was mentioned, I got my hopes up so much, believing that this would all be over and that things would go back to normal from that review date. Of course it never did, it wasn’t as simple as that. But I could not seem to get my head around that. Every time I fell for it and every time I was devostated when it didn’t happen. Eventually I had to learn to stop getting my hopes up and just take each day as it came. Not really having any hope, just seeing what happened. I am desperate to see my partner who I haven’t seen in over a year now. So every time I hoped, but my hopes got crushed and it really, really hurt.

I couldn’t keep torturing myself like I was, it wasn’t doing me any good. So I had to try and stop. Hoping that one day in the future I would see him again, but not any time soon. But then, I started to believe that a bit to much. A while ago now I was really depressed one night and I was talking to my partner about how I was feeling. I was convinced that I would never see him again in person, or my friends, or anyone. Life was just going to be virtual from now on. Humans would never socialise with other humans again. They would socialise with pixelated versions of a human on a screen. I was so lost in this belief that my partner just couldn’t talk me round or reassure me. I believed that’s how life would be from now on, forever.

Now that things are looking more hopeful, I am really confused about what to think and what to let myself think. I need some hope and something to look forward to.. But at the same time I don’t want to feel like my hopes have been crushed again. I do understand why this is happening and how it is a steady process. They can’t just let everybody loose and we all go back to normal. They kind of tried that before. Moving things forward to quickly and we ended up in lockdown again. So this time I do feel that they are taking more of a steady approach and with the vaccines and the home testing kits that we are being advised to use, things are looking so much more positive this time. This time, I can see the end. Covid will probably never go, but it will be under control like many other illnesses that we have vaccines for. Finally after all this time I can see the end to all this madness. I want to think we are on the run up to the finish line, that one final sprint. But that scares me, because we need to do it right. This is our one chance and if we fall we will ruin everything. I just hope so much that this is it this time. We’ll get to the finish line and there will be no going back.

xx ❤ xx

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