Recently I have been diagnosed with Recurrent Depressive Disorder and some traits of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I have been doing a lot of research into BPD and I have been finding it really interesting. It has got me thinking about my whole life and things that could be connected to it. One of the traits I have is low self esteem. My partner has been helping me to go back and think about what could have caused me to have such low self esteem. I was bullied at school, always about how I looked. I was always the fat ugly one. It upset me sometimes but in general I had just got used to it. I taught myself to ignore it and pretend it wasn’t happening. I would never let them see they had upset me because then they had got what they wanted. So I would just keep on walking. As I got more confident with it I would just smirk at them and say “Yeah whatever”. But that feeling was still always there, that I was the fat ugly one. Even in my group of friends who were lovely to me, I still saw myself as the fat ugly one.
When I left school I got a bit more confident with how I looked. I had more freedom to wear what I wanted and have the style I wanted. I didn’t have the people from school picking on me any more. But wherever I was, wherever I worked, I still saw myself in that way. Everybody around me was better looking than me. I just thought I can’t help it, it’s the truth. Everyone is skinnier, they make more effort with their hair and makeup, they wear nicer clothes because they are skinnier. If I was to line everybody up in order of beauty, I would always put myself on the end, the very end of the unattractive end.
When I met my partner things started to change. He would say I look stunning like he actually meant it. I would say “Thank you, but I’m not”. He would insist that I was and I was thinking, I’m not, how can he see me like that? But I could tell he wasn’t just saying it, he genuinely thought it. I really didn’t understand how he could see me like that. We have been talking about it a lot recently and it has become very clear that what was said to me at school has really stuck. A lot more than I thought it had. It stuck so much that I actually believed it and that belief has stuck with me my whole life up until now. My partner said that he is making it his mission to get me to believe how beautiful and stunning I am. I doubt he will get me to believe that, but my thoughts are starting to shift and think maybe, just maybe I might not be as fat and ugly as I believed I was. His many compliments and positivity really are helping me.
Please don’t get me wrong with this, I’m not a shallow person that only sees people for their looks. I see people as a whole, unique person. We are all different and we are who we are. But we should NEVER be made to feel bad for who we are.
xx ❤ xx