When I first started to struggle with my PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder) two years ago, I realised that my moods were very up and down. Some days I’d be really happy and bubbly, others I’d be quite stressed and then others I’d be quite down. Some days I’d just feel completely drained and washed out from all the ups and downs. My emotions had all been used up and I needed to restock. I know everybody has their good days and bad days, but this didn’t feel normal. It felt more intense than normal and this is what led me to realise that I needed help. i was diagnosed with PTSD and as my condition improved with CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy), so did my moods. They became more stable. So I always thought that my moods were as a result of my PTSD, but now I’m not so sure.

At the moment my PTSD feels quite stable. I did struggle with it at the start of the pandemic last year, but recently it seems to have settled quite a lot. However, my moods seem to be getting worse. They are becoming more intense, more frequent and more of a drastic change from one to the other. One minute I can be so happy, excited, giggly and on top of the world. The next minute, one small negative thought can send me spiralling into depression, feeling like there’s no point, no hope and having no interest in anything. During the depressing times I have been getting more and more lost in how I have been feeling and thinking. It has been getting increasingly harder for people to talk me round and help me to think more rationally. Over the years I have learnt to trust the people around me when it comes to my mental health. So in these situations I may not be able to believe what they are telling me, but I do trust and know that they are right and that in time I will see it for myself. That’s not to say I’m easily led and gullible because I’m not at all. It’s just that I know that the people who are close to me want the best for me and that they wouldn’t play games with me or try to manipulate me. I know that when the mood starts to ease, I will start to see things more clearly, like they are. And I always do. It can take a while sometimes, I can be lost in these moods for a matter of minutes or sometimes days. Most of the time I think it lasts for hours with me, but it varies.

Then there’s other times where I just feel so stressed and overwhelmed, when nothing has really happened. My poor Mum and Dad can be sat there talking to each other (not even to me) at the same time as the kettle boiling and it feels like there’s a tornado going on inside my head. Just so much noise and information racing round and round and round and I’m in complete overload. In real life there’s probably not that much going on, but in my head there’s so much going on that it could explode! Quite often I do explode at this point and end up taking it out on people who probably haven’t done anything wrong. Then there’s other days where I just feel so exhausted, mentally and physically. I don’t have the energy to move, or think or do anything useful. I just need to rest and recharge and build up all my emojis again. It’s not being lazy, I’m just so exhausted from all of the emotions that have been firing off all over the place. Like a pinball machine full of emojis!

It feels so strange because I can be so extatically happy and laughing at things that probably aren’t even that funny. I’ve even laughed and joked at REALLY badly inappropriate times. I have always done this at some level, but there have been a few times in recent months where I have really gone to far. It just comes out before I have chance to think or stop it. Then even as I’m hearing myself do it I’m thinking “Ohh you idiot, shut up, Shut Up, SHUT UP!!!”. So I can be like this one minute, and then all of a sudden I just crash. It’s hard and it’s fast and it just takes one little thing for it to happen. It could be anything. This is just an example of how small the thought can be, I obviously wasn’t extatically happy about my boyfriend being unwell. But one time my boyfriend was unwell and I really wanted to help him and give him a cuddle. Then I had this thought, “I” want to give him a cuddle, it’s not about me and what I want, he might not want a cuddle, it should be about him and what he wants. Then within minutes I genuinely believed that I was selfish and the worst girlfirend in the whole world and that I only ever thought about myself. He kept trying to reassure me and talk me round but I just couldn’t take it in. I was stuck in what I was thinking. It happens so quick, and over the smallest things that often aren’t even a problem in real life. But to me they feel HUGE!

Then there’s the anxiety. I can be really looking forward to doing something for weeks, then as the time gets closer the anxiety starts to kick in. Anxiety, panic and bucket loads of self doubt. At Christmas I had a Zoom call planned with a group of my closest friends. I had been looking forward to it for weeks. When the time came, I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t even know why, I just didn’t want to do it. It all just felt too much. I started panicking and even crying over it. A ZOOM CALL WITH MY CLOSEST FRIENDS and I was crying over it. WHY??? My head was just all over the place and I was messing around for ages, thinking I’ll just do this and then I’ll go on. About fifty things laer I was still going, I’ll just do this and then I’ll go on. Doing everything I possibly could to delay going on until it was really late and there was nothing left to do. I was actually spending ages getting ready for a Zoom call that I had missed most of. And even then I wanted to carry on getting ready. I knew that how I was feeling and behaving wasn’t right and not what I really wanted. I really wanted to see my friends. I knew I would really regreat it if I didn’t. So I told myself that going on for a bit is better than not going on at all. And with some persuasion from my boyfriend I finally made it. But I was still so out of it from all the anxiety that it had ruined it. I wasn’t there and I wasn’t myself. I didn’t realise until after, how not myself I was. I really was so manic and all over the place. Then the day after came the guilt. I felt so guilty for not going online earlier, I felt guilty for getting so upset over it, I felt guilty for being so out of it and quiet while I was there. These are my closest friends, HOW could I get in that state over just a video call? I’ve done it before! The guilt felt so thick, heavy and overwhelming. It weighed me down for days after. It just didn’t make sense. None of it made sense.

These moods swings are so unpredictable. I just don’t know when they are going to happen, or what is going to happen next. I just know that they are happening more often and I am getting more deeply drawn into them and not being able to find my own way out. For anybody who has never experienced things like this before, it is a very hard concept to grasp. It’s one of those things where you don’t fully understand it unless you have experienced it yourself. Until you do experience things like this, you think that your mind is you, it’s there to help you, keep you strong, safe and it’s always on your side. And it does do those things, but it’s no always on your side. The mind can be very devious, mischevous and just plain evil. The worst enemy you can have is your own mind, because it’s the one enemy that you will never truly escape. And when your mind is on a mission to destroy you, it will do everything it can to make it happen. Mine did around ten years ago and now it’s trying to again. Except this time I’m talking, writing and I’ll keep on fighting. I hate to say though, that it’s come to a point where I can’t fight it on my own any more. Luckily I have some truly amazing, loving, patient and understanding people around me who will be fighting with me. I am really thankful to all of you and ask that you’ll all please keep on being patient with me? I will mess up and I will do things wrong, this fight isn’t going to end any time soon. So please just be patient with me? We’ll get there eventually. ❤

Do you feel like this?

i have recently come across a condition that sounds exactly like what I have been experiencing. The more I look into it, the more everything fits into place. I am going to try and find out what is really going on and get a proper diagnosis. But in the meantime I was wondering if anybody else can relate to how I have been feeling? If so I would love to hear from you. Feel free to leave a comment below, on my contact page, or on my social media pages (the links are below).

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. It really does mean so much to me. ❤

xx ❤ xx